So, October is right around the corner and you know what that means: be on the lookout for pumas—aka mountain lions and cougars. While it is true that there have only been 16 reported fatalities in the US and Canada in the last 110 years, it is still a good idea to keep on guard—especially those of you who live in Boulder, Colorado. Below are some safety tips in the event you are face-to-face with a puma.
— Do not hike alone; go in groups with adults supervising children. When hiking, appropriate clothing for rough terrain will aid in movement and evasion.
— If confronted by a puma, do not run; that might stimulate its instinct to chase, and they can quickly outrun any person. Instead, stand and face the animal, but do not make eye contact (experts suggest looking at the feet).
— Don’t “play dead.” Pumas are likely to eat a human who plays dead. This behavior is similar to that of Black bears, but unlike Grizzly bears (if you have narcolepsy this sucks for you as I doubt a puma can tell the difference).
— Pick up young children without bending or turning from the puma (if possible). (Comment: When under an attack by a dog, experts recommend NOT picking up a child; because that act may be interpreted as you attacking, which would encourage the dog(s) to join in the supposed attack. Instead place yourself between the animal and the child. Whether or not this applies to cougars is open.)
— Do everything possible to appear larger or intimidating, including raising arms wildly, opening up jacket, and throwing stones and branches.
— Do not crouch down or bend over; this may create the appearance of an ordinary quadruped prey rather than a typically non-prey biped (if you do not know what a quadruped is you probably deserve what’s coming).
— Fight back if attacked. Pumas have been repelled with rocks, firearms, sticks, garden tools, kicks, and bare hands (or spells if you’re an accomplished Wizard or Warlock).
— Install motion-sensitive outdoor lighting.
— Keep pets from roaming and never feed pets outside. Be wary when leaving pets outside, particularly at dawn and dusk.
— Do not climb a tree, as pumas can climb better than humans (I have to admit though, if someone has video footage of someone being caught climbing up a tree by a puma and then maimed I’d probably laugh. Because, I mean, how many times will you ever see that shit?).
— These are just some of the many useful tips you can use when confronted by a puma. Be aware and stay safe out there; and, as always, have a safe October. After October, the holiday season starts to really pick and it would suck if you were the dumbass who was killed by a puma. I mean, really, that will have your family talking you for years.
Stay tuned for next week’s announcement, ladies, wherein tips will be provided on how to make your husband look like this in 5 easy steps.