First, let me start off by apologizing for my tardiness in getting around to the October announcements. It’s October 5th and I’ve already missed posting Yom Kippur announcements and tips; so, I sincerely apologize if I’ve slighted any Jewish people. You are with me in spirit.
Anyway, here are the announcements for October Holidays (both federally observed and socially observed).
Columbus Day – Monday, October 9
— Columbus Day is best celebrated when you ditch work to drink the day away. Basically, it’s St. Patrick’s Day for Italian people.
— There is a lot of speculation that Columbus wasn’t even the first person to discover the Americas, let alone the first European to do so. The theory of those who oppose Columbus’s story (and subsequent iconic status) is that Columbus is viewed as a historically great person because the government that funded his expedition (Spain) was a world power at the time, thus perpetuating the myth of his now-known legacy. Basically, he really didn’t do anything and got all of the credit for it. So, on this day, take it upon yourself to market yourself as a genius with no substantial evidence to back you up on this day. If anyone tries to deny you this right simply kill them. (NOTE: murder is permitted and legal on this day.)
— The mention of Ferdinand Magellan, Ponce De Leon, or Samuel de Champlain is blasphemous and forbidden on this day.
Boss’s Day – October 16
— Today is the day that you and all of you co-workers conspire to buy your boss as many red staplers as possible. Also, today is Hawaiian Shirt Day. So, if you have a Hawaiian shirt… um, feel free to wear it. M’kay?
— Keep in mind that today is Boss’s Day, not Middle Manager Day or Tool Day or Douche Bag Day. If you work for any of the latter types of bosses you are not required to purchase anything nor say anything polite.
— Today is all about synergy and teamwork, people. If we don’t band together and come up with the most comprehensive, cliché-riddled corporate speak today, then what day will that be, huh? Today is a national holiday for cliché-riddled corporate speak.
Sweetest Day – October 21
— Sweetest Day isn’t exactly Valentine’s Day nor is it on par with an anniversary or even your partner’s birthday; so, really it’s like the worst day for a guy to try and plan because of its inherent lack of value. Therefore, Sweetest Day head is, like, the hardest head to get.
— You should really only plan a Sweetest Day night out if you really love the one you’re with. And, you absolutely should not rush in on this relationship; not after you found out that Dave was cheating on you with Lyndsey Heathrow. I mean, honestly, what a fucking slut…
Halloween – October 31
— We all know that Halloween is seen by some as being a night to worship the devil or to release evil spirits out in the open. But, to others, Halloween is the one night of the year where you can put razor blades inside candy and cookies for kids to eat. Actually, those two groups of people kinda cancel each other out.
— If you’re going to go out Trick or Treating be sure to keep some garlic, a gun loaded with a silver bullet, and a hemlock cup with you at all times because, I don’t know, it’s Halloween and you never know.
— If you’re above the age of 10 it is, in fact, always hilarious to scare the crap out of kids ages 6 and under. Always. Trust me.
— If you’re over the age of 17 and you’re thinking about going Trick or Treating just stay at home and masturbate or play World of Warcraft or something. Don’t be that guy.
— You are within the bounds of the law to beat the person who gives you Circus Peanuts candy.
— Finally, if you live in Haddonfield, Illinois or near Camp Crystal Lake for the love of God just stay inside and refrain from having sex.
Have a safe and pleasant October.
FYI, the Puma Terror Alert System has been downgraded to “Low Risk” for the month of October.