So, America’s foremost super-awesome CTU agent Jack Bauer is at it again! Muslims have already detonated a nuclear bomb someone near Los Angeles (it’s not really clear where and that’s not the point)? No worries. Jack has twenty more hours to stop all of this chaos; this is plenty of time. I mean, there was this one other day where the Muslims were totally side-stepping all of Jack’s tactics and he wound up stopping them (while a nuke was in the air, no less). For those scoring at home, Jack’s current record against Those Of Arab Descent: Jack Bauer 1, Muslims 0.
Here are just a few things that Jack has overcome during the six crazy and almost perilous days that have been documented courtesy of the FOX Network—his wife has been killed, his daughter has almost been killed numerous times (once by a mountain lion!), he had to broker a weapons trade with the woman who killed his wife, many of his close friends have been killed, he’s had to kill some of his friends, he’s had to chop off the hand of a co-worker, and on and on. One would think that all of this tomfoolery and chicanery would be enough to retire and leave all of this nonsense aside, but not Jack Bauer! He’s a living, breathing version of G.I. Joe except he works for a specialized department of the US government and not the army and he doesn’t wear a uniform and he doesn’t have a clear and consistent arch-enemy like Cobra Commander or Destro… But, other than those things, they’re practically one and the same.
Anyway, I’ll totally be tuned in to this season of 24 because I have to know how Jack Bauer is going to prevent the Muslims from detonating the remaining four nuclear bombs. Will he have to kill a busload of homeless children to distract the terrorists? How many times will he be engaged in a shootout wherein his only weapon is a pistol but he seemingly has an endless supply of bullets? How many times will he simply kneel behind a crate forty yards away from a rented storage garage filled with C4 while it blows up and he stands up practically unscathed afterward?
Honestly, I wish I could fucking quit this show. It’s become so damned retarded and yet I can’t change the channel. This season starts with the premise that the US government does make deals with known terrorists in that the Current Main Bad Guy asks our government to release 100 or so Arab prisoners and, in return, the Current Main Bad Guy will stop blowing up the streets of the US with various suicide bombers. Every other season of the show has been littered with every main character saying, “We don’t negotiate with terrorists!” This season? OK, we’ll do it. It’s cool.
Oh, and I guess I should’ve mentioned that there are spoilers from this season and previous seasons in case you’re in the middle of watching the DVDs or haven’t seen the first four episodes of the current season. Sorry. But, if you haven’t learned by now that Jack always lives and everyone else always dies and the US is saved at the last second… well, I don’t know what to tell you except watch out for that mountain lion. She’s real fiesty!