Now that the proliferation of K-Y gel and Lover’s Lane commercials has begun it can only mean one thing—Valentine’s Day is coming. And even though Valentine’s Day is two days away it is still worth bringing up proper etiquette and some overall tips. To those who have constant romance in their heart, employ bluebirds to do their hair, and are blissfully unaware of such things as The Rusty Trombone and destructive, co-dependent relationships between drug addicts and other emotionally crippled and helpless people… um, this list may not be for you.
— If you have kids older than nine years old, Valentine’s Day is the perfect day to explain the whole “sex as a commodity” thing for which Valentine’s Day is founded on.<
--- If you find yourself driving home from work on Valentine's Day and you still do not have a present for your wife, here's what you do: get her a $10 Starbucks gift card, a $10 iTunes gift card, and a picture of the two of you inside a nice brushed nickel frame and put them all in a nice imported basket with a cashmere scarf arranged as the bed for which everything rests on. Then, spray the basket a couple of times with a sandalwood or freesia scent spray. And voila!... a perfect gift on a reasonable budget. (This idea brought to you by that store in your mall that would totally put something like this together but no one ever goes in there anyway so the store will be closed in a couple of weeks.)
--- Roses and chocolates are the traditional Valentine's Day gift but you are nothing short of a revolutionary if you can somehow make the "Purple Haze" strand of marijuana and a second woman the next traditional gift.
--- If your wife or girlfriend enjoys going to see a "chick flick" on Valentine's Day, be sure to point out that St. Valentine is seen as an anomaly within the Catholic Church in that not much is really known about him while he was alive. And, yes, he was a martyr and that's pretty cool and all but that doesn't mean he died so that you could enjoy Fool’s Gold or Definitely, Maybe.
— If your husband or boyfriend sees Valentine’s Day as a cynical holiday pushed on us by Hallmark and Victoria’s Secret, tell him that you are starting to see his previous sexual performances as a cynical attempt push pleasure on you. Yeah, sometimes men have to be torn down to be built up again.<
--- There's nothing wrong with wanting to take your date to a quaint, out-of-the-way restaurant where you know the owners and the wait staff and you can reserve a special table outside where you'll be left alone and in an intimate setting. There is, however, something wrong with taking your date to said quaint restaurant and sharing a plate of spaghetti only to kiss once you realize that you're both eating the same strand of spaghetti. I mean, that's what fucking animated dogs did, man! That's totally unoriginal.
--- Valentine's Day, like Senior Prom, can be an event rife with awkward sexual advances and can possibly even result in embarrassment if you are a teenager. Be sure to lie about how awesome it all wasn't.<
--- Finally, if you will be single on this Valentine's Day don't be angry with all of us who are in relationships. It's not our fault that your cynical, NPR-listening, latte-drinking, meticulously disheveled hairstyle-loving, Fox News-hating, Friedrich Engels-quoting, artsy loner ass can't find someone who hated Juno and loves Belle & Sebastian as much as you do. Fucking ass clown.