To Whom It May Concern,
Hi,
You do not know who I am but I am writing you, the national sports media that will write columns and/or provide televised coverage and analysis of Major League Baseball games, this letter because I am a Cubs fan. What this means is that I do not want you to write or say anything positive about my team. As of this writing, the Chicago Cubs own the best record in baseball and I would prefer if you not write or say a word about it. You see, if you start to nationally mention this fact other columnists and television analysts will start to talk about how the Cubs should be favored to win the World Series now. They will write or say things like “Alfonso Soriano is really hitting the ball well now” or “Man, Carlos Zambrano looks to be on pace to win twenty five games” or “The Cubs’ bullpen looks like they’re coming together great.” Do not mention these things. Do not even think of these things aloud.
As you no doubt have heard by now, the Chicago Cubs have not won a World Series in one hundred years and they have not even appeared in a World Series in sixty three years. We Cubs fans have been told that this drought has been wreaked upon us because of black cats, goats, the league’s desire to have primetime playoff games, and a headphone-wearing fan. I believe a mythical Portuguese unicorn once cost us a playoff series but nobody can conclusively prove anything regarding it. The Cubs are supposedly cursed is what I am saying and you, the national sports media, had a hand in this too. In 2004, Sports Illustrated had a picture of Kerry Wood on the cover and a prediction that the Cubs would win the World Series. They did not. Last year, almost every analyst on ESPN picked the Cubs to beat the Diamondbacks. They did not. You see what I mean? Just shut up and leave us alone.
Talk about the Yankees and Red Sox. Talk about how the Tampa Bay Rays are playing stellar and inspired baseball. Or how disappointing the Tigers have been. Keep talking about how great Brandon Webb is or how great Jay Bruce and Josh Hamilton will be one day. Keep writing about how injuries have ruined the Rockies’ and Padres’ season. Mention Alex Rodriguez’s inability to show up in big games some more. Hey, the Cardinals and Astros sure are surprising so far, right? Keep talking about them.
But do not mention the Cubs. Even if they win 102 games this year write it off as pure luck and say that they will be swept in the first round. Make fun of Ted Lilly for being from Canada or something. I implore you to keep quiet about the Cubs no matter how good they may look. We Cubs fans are going on a hundred years without a World Series championship and the last thing we need is for more false hope to be heaped on us by sports media-types who only want their stuff printed or their face on the TV so that they can claim to be the first person to have predicted the Cubs winning the World Series. I can’t take it anymore.
So, please, can you do me this favor? If you want to talk about a Chicago baseball team talk about the White Sox. They are in first place too and they have a very animated and outspoken coach that will give you a lot of good quotes and sound bites. Their pitching staff looks really good too. Keep talking about them. Or, like I said earlier, keep talking about the Yankees and Red Sox. In fact, I think I just heard Derek Jeter call David Ortiz a “date rapist.” Go follow up on that because, um, there is nothing to see here at Wrigley Field, okay? This team is hopeless and should not be considered a factor in any playoff talk.
Sincerely,
Unicórnio Procura Redenção