With the 4th of July here, it is time to compile a list of tips to help you better celebrate America’s birthday. Also, this list will educate children or foreigners who will be celebrating their first 4th of July about America.
— The 4th of July is a celebration of the founding of America—a country in which many of its ideals are based on France, its government borrowed from Rome, its societal philosophy linked to Britain, and a country that always demands that Asian villages make its fireworks, grills, clothing, and American flags so that the celebration can have a truly “American” feel to it.
— Fireworks can be fun but dangerous, especially if alcohol consumption is involved but remember this: there really is nothing funnier than a group of drunken people fumbling to get an entire pack of M-100s lit, then running away in genuine fear at the realization that their reaction time is slower than normal and that they may die because they have forgotten how quickly the wick lights.
— Everything you need to know about America can be summed up in this one sentence about the 4th of July: in some states, fireworks are totally illegal for you and I to buy and you can be prosecuted by the police and local government if caught; however, it is totally legal for the same local government to purchase military-grade fireworks in bulk for the town’s celebration and for the same police to sit idly by as other people light them and children sit one hundred yards away from things that emit enough fire and sparks to burn a two-story building down.
— If you are planning to get stoned before watching your town’s fireworks show, just know that it will not be as cool as you think it will be.
— If you are planning to get stoned before you go to your town’s 4th of July festival, that will be as cool as you think it will be because playing the bottle game and the shoot-the-water-gun-into-the-target-to-win-a-cheap-toy game and eating hot dogs and drinking beer while stoned is, in fact, a lot of fun.
— Because our society has tried to be more “green” recently, there is a debate as to whether charcoal or natural gas grills are worse for our environment. Until Bono, Michael Moore, and Jessica Alba definitively state which is worse I wouldn’t worry about anything.
— Some people like to grill hot dogs and hamburgers for the 4th while others prefer to have tofu or vegetarian dishes or things made from recipes out of the latest issue of Real Simple. One of these groups of people are totally un-American gaywads.[1]
— There is nothing more patriotic than killing a bald eagle on the 4th of July.
— Sparklers are always a favorite with young children and a staple of the 4th of July celebrations. If you have forgotten to buy sparklers for your kids, just light some magnesium strips while pouring lighter fluid on the flame as it has about the same effect and is just as safe.
— You may have fond memories of your grandma’s homemade apple pie but just know that, while you thought it was quaint that she would make it from scratch herself, she secretly resented you all for not even asking her if she could use any help.
— If your child is on a Little League team that has lost its 4th of July game don’t even gloss over the details. They let America down and, no, they do not get to have any hot dogs or ice cream today.
[1] This statement brought to you by a consortium consisting of NASCAR, Ball Park Franks, Weber Corporation, and The National Association of Real Americans