April 18, 2009 0

On Gay Marriage

By MDS in Opinion, Politics, Society

The first thing that everyone needs to think about first when the topic of gay marriage in America comes up is that it really, truly is neither about religion nor politics. Okay, it is about politics to some extent because the problem with gay marriage is that it will impact tax law, which is something that politicians do have to worry about. But before I expand on that, let me explain to you why gay marriage has nothing fundamentally to do with religion or politics.

First, it has nothing to do with religion because even the most zealous follower of whatever orthodox Christian religion would most likely not disown (or kill) their child if they found out that he/she is homosexual. I know that religious types who gather and protest anything that looks at homosexuality positively would say otherwise while they are in their organized group but the fact remains that I cannot believe that, overall, people would actually hate their children if they were to come out. Would they have egg on their face? Absolutely. Would the child in question delay as long as possible the news that he or she is gay to their overly zealous parents? No doubt. But do not confuse fear of confronting parents (you were once afraid of confronting yours on far more frivolous things than “Mom, Dad, I think I’m gay”) with all anti-gay parents acting like third-world dictators behind closed doors.

Now, the religious types can say that the Bible explicitly dictates that marriage can only exist between a man and a woman but this, to me, is just an example of grasping at the last possible straw that can be grasped at. This argument is very much in line with when a mom pulls out the “Because I said so” card to a child or, in a more stark societal sense, arguing that black people were born to rank underneath white people during the times of slavery (of which the Church was okay with during that time). By couching the argument in religious terms (i.e.—referencing a specific passage in the Bible and stamping a collective meaning to it) it has now become assumed that the argument is to be the settled within the domain of Religion. Except that we live in a country in which Religion is assumed to be separate from the State. And this says nothing to the fact that Religion is somewhat pliable, especially Christian religion: most moderate Christians and Catholics (which make up the majority of America, despite what television and political pundits would love you to believe otherwise w/r/t such questionable things such as The Christian Coalition or any orthodox right-winger who can be summarily dismissed as a “nut job” by the clear-minded folk) do not believe that women should be subservient to their man; do not believe that women absolutely cannot hold meaningful positions within the church; do not believe that it is wrong for almost every business to be open on Sundays; believe that contraception is not only smart, but that pre-marital sex is healthy and a moral positive as well; believe that a lot of the Bible is something that can help guide you to a better life but that not all of it is literally truthful (i.e.-Moses was probably not 900 years old, Jonah probably didn’t really take up residence inside of a whale, etc.). All of these things that are, in some way or another, written in the bible as a thing that everyone should believe in, but nowadays is looked at as something that does not need to be literally accepted en masse. We allow for shortcuts to be taken.

Religion is ultimately malleable; it’s just that it takes an inordinate amount of time to come around. (For instance, every single country outside of Europe at some point was looked at as nothing more than land that grew heathens and now?… not so much.) The Vatican will one day overturn its stance on contraception and it will one day officially recognize a female Pope. It will happen, if only because they will not voluntarily allow themselves to be irrelevant.

Mark Twain once wrote that a banker is a person who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining but demand it back once it begins to rain. This same logic can apply to many hard-line, orthodox religious followers: we will virulently uphold a doctrine of love for Mankind, preach tolerance, and praise God for His building a truly beautiful and spectacular world for us in which to live in and spread His word to to others… unless you disagree with us. Then, God suddenly becomes a wrathful and petty God, keeping names in a ledger so as to not permit the non-believers’ entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven.

From a religious standpoint, this is where I think the disconnect is w/r/t gay marriage. Because we live in a society where seemingly only the extreme points of view (whether in the arenas of politics, religion, sports, entertainment, etc.) are given mainstream access, the people who are opposed to gay marriage get more face time because there is more passion involved in those interviews or sound bites. It is easier to get a better interview out of someone who will say (or is waving a placard that says) something like “God hates faggots!” This, in turn, causes the gay community (and heterosexual people who believe that the “God hates faggots!” crowd is wrong) to get involved in a war of words that reduces both parties to the lowest common denominator—even religious people who only passively believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman are seen as backwards or hick-ish; gay people are seen as caricatures—and then you have both groups trying to lobby the government into getting on board with their side.

Here is where the government comes into this equation.

A lot of members of the government simply love to take money from groups and lobbyists with the notion that they will fight to pass whatever bill or law said group wants them to pass, speak out against, or trump up publicly. It is a great and easy way to make money. The problem with gay marriage in terms of our government is that, from a tax perspective, gay marriage opens up a veritable Pandora’s box (i.e.-your basic tax code stuff: there would eventually be new deductions and/or credits for gay couples and gay couples who adopt children and it would eventually ruffle the normal knee-jerk feathers of those who are anti-gay).

The government has no incentive to get into this with a pure mind because many of its members are waiting to get paid by their constituents who are either for or against gay marriage (mostly from the anti crowd) and will continue to rely on that money for as long as they possibly can. Religion has tainted the social aspect of gay marriage and government has tainted the logical aspect of it. This all really should be a no-brainer. Why?

And but now I hope you will see that what this is all about—love. Men and women fall in love with each other all of the time—sometimes, their love is unconditional and centers around a mutual, unfettered fascination with each other; sometimes, their love is co-dependent and revolves around chaos; other times, their love is something unplanned, spawned on by the arrival of an unexpected child. Love is something that is both indescribable and—consciously or subconsciously—passionately desired by all.

While you may not inherently understand why a woman would fall in love with another woman or a man with another man, the question of whether it is right or wrong is ultimately not up to you (especially if you are a heterosexual person). Nor should it fall into the domain of the federal government or organized religion to come up with a unified and all-encompassing opinion as to its legality or publicly recognized existence. By making this argument a political or religious debate, everyone conveniently leaves out love from the equation, mostly because no one wants to be seen as someone who is anti-love (whereas pro-Bible and pro-Constitution are always easy causes to join).

So, after all is said and done, what is my solution to all of this? First and foremost, the ultimate solution is for the current older generations—the ones who are unyielding in their opinion that homosexuality is debaucherous and sinful—to die off. Unfortunately, the issue of gay marriage will not get a serious widespread embrace until this generational shifts occur. This is similar to the treatment of blacks, too, in that it took a generational shift to weed out the people who still clung to the archaic outlook of black people that dictated that they should have never received rights to begin with.

In the meantime, though, I think the federal government should stay out of the gay marriage debate and even publicly come out and say that they will do nothing about it and that they will recognize gay marriage for what it is and make no changes to the federal tax code (i.e.—no separate tax credits, deductions, etc. for gay couples). The state governments, on the other hand, should be allowed to pass their own laws and make available whatever credits and deductions to gay couples that they see fit within their own state. That way, states can elect to be to progressive and forward-thinking if they want to w/r/t gay marriage, or they can elect to fall in line with the status quo and do nothing about it. But, in this example, if a state that doesn’t have large metropolitan areas and is in need of an influx of population to boost their economy (say, for the purposes of this example, Idaho) incentivizes gay couples to move to its state (for instance, a $2,000 standard deduction or a $4,000 deduction for gay couples that adopt a child, etc.) you would have a modernized Homestead Act to try and get more people to move out of the traditionally dense metro areas that are so overburdened by the recessive economic forces at play right now.

I do not know if the above example would work but I think it is a good starting point in terms of progressing the conversation about gay marriage. And, at the very least, it is a good starting point because the church and the federal government have been left out of the equation. Because, ultimately, this is a topic that should be about love and not about constitutional amendments and/or verses from the Book of Leviticus.

But if you are reading this and you are of the mindset that the Book of Leviticus provides the proper amount of gravity on this topic and that you find homosexuality to be repulsive in every sense of the word and it is something that should be shunned by all, I do understand where you are coming from. Your reality dictates that a different set of teachings and morals w/r/t homosexuality were in play for you than for others. I truly understand that. I just happen to disagree with it.

And by fervently upholding one passage in the Bible and pointing to it as the end-all, be-all showstopper—the checkmate of all checkmates—while allowing for other passages to be malleable (or even outright excused, such as Leviticus 15:19-24 and Leviticus 19:27) is, to me, a sure sign of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. And I am pretty sure that almost every form of rational religion (and moral and ethical outlook) tries to teach you that that principle is deeply flawed and, thus, not applicable on this topic.

Or, to put it another way: throughout the course of the history of mankind here are some of the things various groups of humans knew were correct. The Earth is flat; the Sun revolves around us; dreams are the direct pipeline to God; the concept of gravity is ludicrous; women who give birth to twins or multiples should be ostracized; owning slaves is man’s divine right; killing in the name of God is okay, killing in the name of anything else is grounds for public execution; the Jews were responsible for various cultural problems and needed to be executed; that if you engaged in masturbation, anything ranging from an addicition to it to blindness to excommunication would befall you; cigarettes pose no health risks; kids can become homosexual simply by being around gay people. Basically, we are prone to wanting to believe in conventional wisdom and the conventional wisdom surrounding homosexuality—that it’s wrong because the Bible says so, that gay teachers would be detrimental in a school, that it should not be recognized because a gay marriage cannot produce natural birth, that it’s a biological anomaly because of the last statement—is backwards and misguided.

And future generations will look back at us with regards to this much like we do now in looking back at how the first industrial generations allowed child labor to occur for as long as it did: How was this debate allowed to go on as long as it did?

We should know better by now.

March 29, 2009 0

The Rainy Day/Rewatchability List (Or, Why ‘Superbad’ Is Greater Than ‘The Godfather’)

By MDS in Movies, Opinion

My wife had a brilliant idea last week; brilliant in every respect of the word. We were talking about movies while we were out at dinner and she mentioned that, yes, while movies like The Godfather and Psycho are considered classics they are in no way rewatchable. At least, not like Superbad, Almost Famous, and The Shawshank Redemption are rewatchable.

(An aside: Superbad has fast become one of our favorite movies of all-time. We constantly quote it privately and in public–”Fogel! HI!!!!”. It will soon become the litmus test by which to gauge potential friends and whether we want to hang out with them: if you don’t like this movie, your fate may be sealed with us. You think I’m kidding.)

In tandem with our rewatchability conversation, my wife told me that on rainy days this summer (she is a teacher and, thus, has summers off) she plans on watching some of the movies that I really like that she’s never seen, either because she’s sure she’s predisposed to hate them (see: This Is Spinal Tap) or because she is somewhat allergic to old movies (see: Citizen Kane). And here is where the brilliant idea comes in. She told me to come up with a list of movies that are the most rewatchable. Not most groundbreaking or greatest overall per se but most rewatchable.

So, below is 125 movies that are the most rewatchable to me (and I’ve ranked them as best as I can—sorting through 125 movies was not as easy as I thought it would be…). This list is largely devoid of classics because, well, the “classics” are oftentimes movies that you may watch one or two times every 10-15 years (if that). I’ve seen Raging Bull, Scarface, 2001: A Space Odyssey, On The Waterfront, and Breakfast At Tiffany’s and you know what? I’m fine with seeing all of them only once so far in my life. They’re good but I’m in no hurry to watch them again. They are missing those intangibles that make Superbad, The Cider House Rules, and To Kill A Mockingbird so magnetic in its power to want to rewatch them. Obviously, a list like this is conducive to comedies and they are plentiful here. Comedies are typically shunned by the Academy every year come Oscar time and, like erotica, place themselves totally at the mercy of our subjective whims—if a comedy doesn’t make you laugh or an erotic movie doesn’t turn you on there’s really nothing to be done that can help salvage it for you. Additionally, you may look through this list and think, “Why isn’t Caddyshack or Lethal Weapon or Beverly Hills Cop on this list?” Well, to be honest, I’ve never gotten a chance to watch any of those movies in their entirety; I’ve always caught pieces or long stretches of them but never all of it. Don’t judge.

Please note too that the movies here in the top 5, if they were to be ranked on a point system, would only have hundredths of a point separating them. I was half-tempted to number them 1a-1e instead of 1-5. Finally, the movies in black bold are the ones that my wife has not yet seen—either at all, or all the way through—and the ones that she will watch during her rainy days. (She has promised reviews of these movies too so, when the time comes, she’ll post them to this site as well.)

________________________________________

Almost Famous
The Shawshank Redemption
The Cider House Rules
Superbad
Fantasia
The 40-Year Old Virgin
Batman Begins
Anchorman: The Story Of Ron Burgundy
Old School
Big Fish
Fight Club
Signs
Airplane!
School Of Rock
The Incredibles
Ratatouille
Juno
Finding Nemo
Wonder Boys
The Matrix
Kill Bill, Vol. 2
Kill Bill, Vol. 1
Se7en
The Big Lebowski
Office Space
The Sixth Sense
American Beauty
Boys Don’t Cry
Million Dollar Baby
Major League
Good Will Hunting
Dazed And Confused
The Green Mile
Boogie Nights
The Dark Knight
The Devil Wears Prada
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
The Godfather
The Godfather II
Adaptation
Knocked Up
Zack & Miri Make A Porno
Clerks
Millions
Election
Being John Malkovitch
Stranger Than Fiction
American History X
The Ring
Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
The Girl Next Door
Citizen Kane
Pulp Fiction
The Usual Suspects
The Silence Of The Lambs
Monty Python & The Holy Grail
L.A. Confidential
Airplane II: The Sequel
Jerry Maguire
Unforgiven
Bad Santa
Toy Story
Trainspotting
The Exorcist
The Amityville Horror
The Blair Witch Project
Network
Ricochet
Return To Me
Top Secret!
Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Fire
Pineapple Express
The Naked Gun
Raising Arizona
Harry Potter & The Order Of Phoenix
Jurassic Park
Back To The Future
Predator
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
The Breakfast Club
As Good As It Gets
Dr. Strangelove
Singles
Say Anything…
Chasing Amy
Do The Right Thing
This Is Spinal Tap
Monster’s, Inc.
There’s Something About Mary
Mallrats
Big
Requiem For A Dream
Parenthood
Akeelah & The Bee
Terminator 2
White Men Can’t Jump
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Men In Black
Mystic River
Finding Neverland
Kung Fu Panda
Fantasia 2000
Wall-E
The Game
Mean Girls
The Simpsons Movie
The Graduate
Sling Blade
Pleasantville
Elf
Memento
Harry Potter & The Prisoner Of Azkaban
When Harry Met Sally
About A Boy
Harry Potter & The Philosopher’s Stone
Terms Of Endearment
Harry Potter & The Chamber Of Secrets
Cold Mountain
Boyz N The Hood
The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers
Amazon Women On The Moon
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King
Gone Baby Gone
A Bug’s Life
The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring

March 22, 2009 0

Sex And Marketing And Ice Cream (And Bubbles)

By MDS in Opinion, Society

Men, because we are stimulated visually, have a very complex relationship with sex—the marketing of it, the production quality of the fantasy of it, the hunt for it, the consummation of it, and the attempts to balance it within the framework of an emotional relationship with another person once we have found them. Additionally, our minds seem to be wired as such that fleeting sexual images, or memories of sexual feelings from past situations, occur with the randomness and intensity of a faulty alarm clock. It is sometimes hard for us to think about sex clearly, especially when it comes to the marketing of it.

The idea of “sex sells” is, of course, nothing new as the communion between men and Sex is biologically ingrained in us, whether it be for reproductive purposes or the idea that success brings with it a certain access into the world of casual sex. And success is something that is somewhat unattainable without proper marketing, if only because men like to know what is cool first before deciding to delve into it (see: the juxtaposition of perception in computer-related jobs now, as opposed to any year before, say, 1998). Likewise, the idea that “sex sells” having been dogma for the advertising world over the last century or so is something so taken for granted it ceases being a cliché and has probably moved on to be categorized as a truly unoriginal thought or commentary.

Rather than trying to get to the root of why sex sells, I am going to stick to trying to explain why I think men want sex to sell. Because, when you hear the phrase “sex sells,” I think there is a belief that sex as its own motive power sells things. To be sure, it can sell things on its own—porn is the most extreme example–but it usually has a clear plan of what nerves to hit and how.

I bring this up because of the new Rolling Stone cover which features the two female stars of Gossip Girl and an ice cream cone. The image can be found here (and if you click on the picture it will be expanded to full size). To be sure, this cover isn’t very scandalous within today’s culture. Hell, even within the arena of sexually-explicit-acts-involving-girls-and-phallic-foods it is tame compared to this segment from The Gong Show, which used much younger girls who were simulating oral sex on a popsicle. (This was network television, by the way, and, um, way more inappropriate than anything involving Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl.)

The thing about this cover is that I think Gossip Girl is a below-average show. It features three things I always make a point to avoid when looking to be entertained: high society in Manhattan, teenagers who live in high society Manhattan, and creepy-looking guys who look like bizarre crosses between Joaquin Phoenix, the oldest brother from 7th Heaven, and a date rapist. Additionally, the two female stars on the cover, Blake Lively and Leighton Meester, are two women who I never found to be super-attractive. Their look, to me, is that of any number of Hollywood girls who are hot for a few years and then forgotten. They are factory girls. But here is where the sex sells part comes in.

My brain inherently knows that this cover is, from head to toe, completely crass and pandering to an idea that sexuality can somehow be synonymous with freedom. Or that the sexuality displayed here is somehow self-aware of its crassness (“I mean, it’s fun and it’s loose. It would be ridiculous to think that we’re condoning anything…”). My brain knows all of this, including any objectification associated with it. And, yet, for whatever reason, my mind is absolutely mesmerized by it and I have no idea why. Actually, I do know why.

One of the many layers that exist in men’s relationship with Sex is that (for the most part), as individuals, we do look at sex and think about it in pretty logical and static thought processes. But in a group? Throw everything out the window and watch as every thought process is ceremonially destroyed and set ablaze. In a group where drinking is prominently involved? God only knows what nuggets of sexual info and theories are bound to spring up in the mutated garden of masculinity that alcohol helps to hyperactively fertilize. (This is where you’re likely to hear something like: that, yes, that stripper does totally want me; that I’m totally going to get that girl over there to do things to me; that the bonds between friends are deeper and better than any bitch; that holy shit, look what she’s wearing; that, if you really think about it, women kinda like to be objectified; that, no, seriously, holy shit look what’s she wearing; that I would totally hit that.) To be sure, women have these same layers w/r/t Sex when it comes to personal thoughts and group thoughts but the group thoughts tend to being more grounded in realism and personalized point of views, rather than wildly overgeneralized tendencies. (The most notable exception when it comes to women is bachelorette parties, which usually become full-on penis-centered parties for some reason.)

So, when I see this RS cover and the blatant oversexuality of it and how I cannot get it out of my subconscious mind, I think I have finally realized why “sex sells” actually works. I think the central idea revolves around separating the Group Male from the Individual Male and getting the Group half to arise out of the Individual from time to time. On the surface, it looks quite simple: target the guy at the magazine rack or an aisle by showing a cover picture of two young-looking women dressed provacatively abstractly simulating fellatio. It will catch his attention and it does. But the behind-the-scenes stuff is, I think, that the picture has to penetrate whatever barriers the Individual puts up and somehow gain access to the Group portion of man’s brain. Once it has done that, all bets are off really: he may not only buy the magazine but may even watch the show because, subconsciously, he may even recall how the ice cream looks in Leighton’s mouth when watching the show.

I think I get it now. I think I understand yet another facet of what Wallace was trying to get at in Infinite Jest and in some of his nonfiction, about why he once said in reply to a question about why uses so much pop culture material in his magnum opus,

I’ve always thought of myself as a realist. I can remember fighting with my professors about it in grad school. The world that I live in consists of 250 advertisements a day and any number of unbelievably entertaining options, most of which are subsidized by corporations that want to sell me things. The whole way that the world acts on my nerve endings is bound up with stuff that the guys with leather patches on their elbows would consider pop or trivial or ephemeral. I use a fair amount of pop stuff in my fiction, but what I mean by it is nothing different than what other people mean in writing about trees and parks and having to walk to the river to get water a 100 years ago. It’s just the texture of the world I live in.

I mention this quote in particular because if you have read all of this post up to this point, I am sure that at some point—either out loud or internally—you have said or thought to yourself that this topic might possibly be pointless or that the cover in question is objectionable or that my description of some of the sexual opinions are objectionable. And that’s fine. I may be inclined to agree with some of your counterpoints or complaints. We are talking about sex after all—something that is entirely subjective and for which usually generates feelings ranging from trivial to explicit. But, as Wallace says about his relationship to pop culture, I cannot help but to point out this cover and how it relates to the texture and landscape of our current world. It practically begs to be noticed and discussed on some level.

The fact that a Rolling Stone cover involving a show I don’t like that stars two women for whom I don’t find sexually attractive affected me to the point that I subconsciously did find them attractive (but only when they were posing how they were) is a form of power that I think we have overgeneralized. This is also not to say that I am anti-advertising or a prude or someone who reacts to sexualized images by desiring to have them eliminated or removed. I guess it makes me wonder what will be next and what the effects will be if more and more advertising successfully penetrates the wall between the rational and the group-affiliated male.

Ultimately, sex sells because men want it to, a lot of men like it when their Group half is teased out—the difference now, though, is that more and more women are on board with it, either as passive participants or as audience. (Imagine if Jennie Garth and Shannen Dorherty had done this exact cover shoot in 1992. First, do you think that the cover would be on a mainstream magazine? Second, do you think that girls back then would comment on their hairstyle and/or clothes first?) Men, more and more, I think, like our current society of laissez-faire attitudes towards how women dress and faux lesbianism at the clubs and in school and all of that. And, to be sure, there is certainly nothing wrong with that amongst consenting adults. But, like everything else, the marketing of sex could be the next bubble to burst. We certainly never thought that home prices could ever decline drastically or that the markets could be so easily coaxed and manipulated or that a Steven Speilberg project may get put on hold due to financial reasons. What if the marketing of sex reaches not a point of no return, per se, but a point of disassociation, wherein ads that feature normal-looking women wearing normal-looking clothing is seen as ambiguously unattractive?

It sounds crazy to ask aloud now but crazier things have happened recently that were intertwined with two seemingly disparate events, most notably pulp fiction being the byproduct of men’s inability to fit in with the ’50′s household ideal. I’m not saying that we could wind up being a nation of prudes or Victorians, but it would make sense that our sexual culture is primed to take a hit, right? From the ’60′s to the present day, only the AIDS outbreak of the ’80′s stands out as an actual break from our overall collective sexual freedom. Would it really be shocking if we became a nation of psychologically damaged people when it came to sex, what with the wilderness of erectile dysfunction products and ads, faux lesbianism, and electronic communication and stimulation possibly phasing out the traditional methods?

Finally, the other reason why I wonder if there is a sexual bubble on the horizon is the Internet and its inherent access to everything within seconds. Because, at the end of the day, maybe I am weird for being mesmerized by that cover picture because it is already so old and dated—because numerous kids saw it first on their cell phones before the magazine even went to print. And because there is a heightened sense of trying to be different and sticking out amongst the Internet forest, I cannot help but wonder what the repercussions will be with the kids nowadays who have access to so much more than anyone before them within the sexual marketplace who then grow up wondering whatever happened to the good old days of two girls licking an ice cream cone—you know, the simple but refined advertising that wasn’t so crass.

March 14, 2009 0

Jim Cramer vs. Jon Stewart Thoughts

By MDS in Opinion, Society

Jon Stewart, whom you know and love as the exiled sage who walks the land in tattered garb and whose mission is speak to truth to power, has discovered an injustice: namely, that financial reporting is consistently wrong. And that CNBC (and others) need to be held accountable for this. And that they are somewhat responsible for the economic mess that we’re currently in. Just take one minute to really think about that.



Having watched the ‘showdown’ between Stewart and Jim Cramer, host of Mad Money on the Devil-run and -produced CNBC on The Daily Show, I only had one reaction to it: Cramer should have told Stewart to fucking get over himself and should have told him that frequently. (Full disclosure: I do not watch any CNBC show and I rarely get around to watching The Daily Show. I have no personal affinity nor dislike for either television personality.)

As I understand it, a large portion of Stewart’s argument rested on CNBC’s (and, by proxy, Cramer’s) inability to report objectively on things and events that have been in motion since 1998-99. What is funny about this point of view is twofold: 1) is the most obvious white elephant in the room, and that is that the financial sector is nearly impossible to report on—the sheer magnitude of what the inner workings are of one Fortune 500 is huge, let alone objectively trying to sort through the proverbial bullshit of an entire market, and 2) is the white elephant in the room that no one wants to admit to and that is: that the percentage of people who watch CNBC shows to genuinely use said shows as real guides and tools is probably similar to the percentage of people who watch The Daily Show as a genuine alternative to the established news media. What this means is that there is a huge disconnect as, basically, Stewart and his fans who “totally know his show is a joke” feel justified in throwing rocks at CNBC because they (and the government and the banks and the CEOs, etc.,) are the bad guys. But what if most of the people who watch CNBC “totally know that its shows are jokes” too and that most of its viewership watches for little snippets rather than the contextual whole, not unlike people who tune into Stewart’s show either to see the interview or want to hear about topic-specific jokes then tune out?

Stewart wants to blame the media for making arrangements behind closed doors not to report on this collapse and that’s fine but don’t forget about one important factor: Jon Stewart has absolutely nothing to lose by making his Utopian proclomations and socially aware opinions against the Establishment. By the very nature of his television show, he is allowed to throw rocks at others and then gets to hide behind the Equal Opportunity Offender shield if someone wants to call him out. And then the people who want to call him out will be made to look like uncool and out-of-touch dicks because, well, they’re going after a comedian and shouldn’t we all realize that this is all a joke anyway?

At the end of the day, is it a good thing that Stewart hosts a show that skewers people and the media? Is it a good thing that he apparently has some passion about these things? Yes and yes. But let’s not dilute ourselves: when he gets on his high horse and wants to shed his Satirical Jon Stewart Face in favor of his Serious Jon Stewart Face he becomes no different than Rush Limbaugh, someone who trumps up injustices to conveniently fit into the framework of their exiled-sage-speaking-truth-to-power alter-egos. I wish Cramer would have called him out on that.

I also wished that Cramer would’ve said something to the effect of, “Hey, I’ll admit to my part in this. I’ve not made the best decisions on my show and I have my regrets on what we did and said in past segments, but if you want to blame me or CNBC on this then you are severely misinformed—just like your demographic of viewers that watch you and hold you up as a real journalist, despite your attempts to market yourself as a ‘snake-oil salesman.’ Blame the Internet, blame day-trading, blame E*Trade. Don’t you think it’s ironic that the market became fucked up once regular, ordinary people jumped in and believed that they knew what they were doing? They fucked it all up and guess what? They are now our fucking audience and I have to convey a show to them and, yeah, we use gimmicks to entertain and inform them. Just like you take clips out of context for the furtherance of your jokes. Get over yourself. It’s not our fault that you can’t be like Bill Maher and are trapped here on this show.”

And cut to commercial.

February 20, 2009 0

Modern Americana (Six)

By MDS in Opinion, Series: Modern Americana, Society

This installation of the series is two-fold as the Sun Records logo helps magnify two things that are distinctly modern American: the iconography of a logo, and the post-slavery cultural significance of the South. Additionally, both of these things are in the forefront of America today because both directly apply to our new President.

I may be alone here (or, at the very least, part of a minority) but I happen to think that the Sun Records logo is one of the greatest ever produced. The color range only consists of three rustic colors and a rooster is a focal point, yet it completely envelops and projects perfectly the image of Sun Records. The rays of the sun that suddenly stop and give way to an outer atmosphere of musical notes (which looks so playful and ingenious when watching it spin around on a record player) convey everything you need to know about the label, short of coming right out and printing the words “WE ARE A SOUTHERN COUNTRY AND BLUES MUSIC LABEL” underneath the logo. If you have never seen this logo before you would still know that it is emblematic of a country record label. It is so upfront it is unmistakable. Which leads me to my second point about the logo and that is that Sun Records played an integral part of ’50′s Southern culture which, in turn, had a hand in completely shaping all of America’s views towards the South not only as a cultural region but also as a cultural force that would spawn other diverse, mimetic forces throughout the country. Which is to say that it had a hand in shaping how we began to view black people during the nascent post-WWII era.

I am not going to get into all of the specifics associated with the post-slavery culture and its influences on pop culture starting in the ’20′s and ’30′s (I would recommend the book Hip: The History as a good read for digging deeper into that facet) but the fact is that Sun Records was the first home of Elvis Presley, an extremely important and polarizing figure of the last six decades. And when you’re the first home to Elvis you simply cannot escape the racial angles. The idea that, to most people, Elvis made his $ and created his Legend by copying black artists is nothing new. While the previous sentence is inherently true, it’s context is up for debate… just like a logo and what it really represents.

To be sure, America did not invent the idea of having a logo become a representation of a company or a person. A coat of arms essentially did the same thing for a medieval family that the Starbucks logo does for a coffee-purchasing customer: it lets others know who you are, whether it be a member of a land-owning family with bloodlines to the Teutons or a member of a community who enjoys Venti Raspberry Mocha Frappuchinos.

What really served as the tipping point for me to write this particular installment (I initially was going to write something about To Kill A Mockingbird—another powerful image of the South and for which Atticus Finch is a pseudo-logo of justice and positive values) was Pepsi’s revamping of their logo and the inauguration of Barck Obama. The two, on the surface, seem utterly mutually exclusive but I do not think so and here is why.

First, the previous Pepsi logo and the Obama logo are oddly similar in that the red, white, and blue colors are used to abstractly evoke movement and a quasi-American idea (Pepsi: ripple-like movement of a flag, Obama: the Heartland, a sunrise).

Second, Obama’s logo is a fully fleshed-out logo. Every other candidate before him (removing, for purposes of this argument, Eisenhower’s built-in and marketable “I Like Ike” slogan/quasi-logo) simply had their names in red, white, and blue and usually incorporated a flag or some form of American emblem. Gore-Lieberman, Bush-Cheney, and Dukakis-Bentson bumper stickers and pins did not have a separate logo; their names physically brandished everything related to their ticket. When you look at what I will dub from here on out as “The Heartland O”, Obama essentially announced that he is company. He is Pepsi and Wal-Mart and Exxon and Nike. His name (and especially Joe Biden’s name) are not required to make people aware of who he physically is and what he represents. This also makes him the first “Elvis” of U.S. Presidents. Oh sure, the Roosevelt’s, Adams, Reagan, Clinton, Kennedy Lincoln, Washington, and Jefferson may have been more popular or, in some cases, had more verve but Obama is like Brand New. And Brand New things need marketing—lots of it. Especially if you are to appeal to both white people and black people, so says our conventional wisdom today.

(The idea of Obama’s “Heartland O” logo—and his ubiquitous “Hope” poster–is also not without its irony in that its very ubiquity is something that most liberal-minded people associate with as being Big Brother-like. Most people who voted for Obama probably have some, be it tepid or rabid, level of contempt for corporations and its use of logos yet when they are well-made and promote your guy then all is right with the world. This makes me think of Dennis Miller’s comment once upon a time about how people don’t root for players on their favorite teams per se, but for laundry. But I digress.)

My point is this: logos are extremely polarizing in our society—they are, for the most part, looked at as cynical relics or, at worst, a mask that a seedy organization uses for its cover—and I find it delightfully… revealing at how we as Americans have embraced the ubiquitous “Heartland O” and “Hope” logo. You can certainly divine from this that I am being whole-heartedly cynical about Obama’s marketing campaign—the fact that I am not actively killing myself to try and steer you from this outlook is what it is—but this is not my ultimate point. My point is subjectivity and how logos feed off of it.

I look at the Sun Records logo and think about great music, the country feel of it, the ingeniousness of the simplicity of the design, how, by itself, it is iconic and a great piece of art. It makes me think of Sam Phillips, Elvis, Carl Perkins, Johnny Cash. To others: it may evoke racist-type thoughts because of it being associated with the segregationist South and primarily white artists copying black artists. It may also generate absolutely no emotions or opinions. But the fact is that once you have created a design or a logo to embody your company, your philosophy, or what-have-you, it, the logo, morphs into an even more abstract idea—one that is practically ungovernable except by continuous reminders and marketing and reiterations of what its intended meaning is supposed to be. This is most likely where the disconnect occurs between people and their contempt for logos, the needless but necessary repetition of its meaning.

Conversely, this is also why there is such a gigantic connection between Obama’s supporters and his marketing materials; his logo transcends himself and represents the same ideal he has been espousing non-stop since his campaign began. I am not an Obama supporter but I can respect his team’s foresight to market him how they did. He was the first black Presidential candidate with a legitimate chance of winning–his image needed to transcend everything about him as a person and as a President. There’s nothing inherently wrong about that.

I wish the people who subscribe to the No Logo way of thinking (and your run-of-the-mill anti-advertising, anti-corporate garden variety people) would realize this. Obama did. His people wanted to “sell” him as an Idea, not just a Man (or even a President). We are all being sold on something, whether it be via the “Heartland O” or a rooster centered amongst an atmosphere of musical notes. Or like Pepsi informing us that every generation spawns a refresh. What timing.

February 16, 2009 0

The Lost Kids Of Willows

By MDS in Articles

So, for Valentine’s Day my wife got me Game Of Kings, a book by Michael Weinreb wherein he follows America’s top-ranked high school chess team for a year. I was introduced to Weinreb via ESPN.com’s Page 2 site where he contributes from time to time on that staff and, for the most part, his articles have been very, very good and very interesting. Before I started Game Of Kings I did a search on ESPN.com for his other articles because I thought I had remembered that he had written a separate article on this high school chess team. One of the results that came up was his “Lost Kids of Willows” article—something that I had completely forgotten about. When I read it at the time of its initial posting I found it to be extremely moving and extremely sad (this article also came out around the time that the school that my wife works at had suffered through their third death; this time a parent, and this after two kids had suddenly died so the timing was a little weird). The article can be found here.

I don’t know why this article resonates so much with me, maybe it’s simply because his writing and handling of these tragedies lies in that midpoint between journalism and emotional descriptivism. Maybe it’s just that three kids dying in incredibly random ways over the course of a year and a half puts certain things into perspective. In either case, I thought it was an outstanding article but one that is really sad so be forewarned if you decide to read this at work.

February 7, 2009 0

In Praise Of 1999

By MDS in Movies, Opinion

Ten years ago it was 1999 and that year, for me, was easily the greatest year for movies. Sure, there have been some great movies that have been released since but 1999 featured a veritable murderer’s row of classics. Don’t believe me? Here is a chronologically ordered list of movies released in theaters in 1999:

Office Space
The Matrix
Election
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Big Daddy
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
American Pie
The Blair Witch Project
The Sixth Sense
American Beauty
Boys Don’t Cry
Fight Club
Being John Malkovitch
42 Up
The Green Mile
The Cider House Rules

So, if you’re keeping score at home there are in this list: six movies that were almost immediately ingrained into pop culture (Office Space, The Matrix, American Pie, The Blair Witch Project, The Sixth Sense, and Fight Club); seven comedies ranging from instant classics (Office Space and American Pie) to quietly hilarious (Election and Being John Malkovitch) to powerhouse moneymakers that lived up to the hype (Austin Powers, Big Daddy, and South Park); an outstanding documentary (42 Up); and six movies that almost certainly show up on people’s Top 50 lists for best movie once they’ve seen it (The Matrix, The Sixth Sense, American Beauty, Boys Don’t Cry, The Green Mile and The Cider House Rules). And I’m not even counting The Insider (mostly b/c I don’t like Russell Crowe movies) which was also nominated for Best Picture alongside American Beauty, The Sixth Sense, The Green Mile, and The Cider House Rules.

Contextually, 1999 poses a problem in that the year was full of so many great movies that every subsequent year seems smaller in comparison. Look at the Best Picture winners since 2000: Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, Chicago, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Million Dollar Baby, Crash, The Departed, and No Country For Old Men. I don’t want to get in too much explanation or comparison but of these movies only Million Dollar Baby, to me, is the unrivaled masterpiece of the group. (Chicago and LoTR were very good but also for very static reasons, I don’t really like Russell Crowe so I’m biased on the first two, Crash was patently ridiculous and completely inferior to Brokeback Mountain, The Departed was nothing more than a collective “We’re sorry” sympathy gift given to Scorcese for all the years that his movies did not win, and No Country For Old Men was genuinely good until the weak ending arrived, ultimately asking us to care about someone whose final scene’s weight was never really earned.) Now, to go strictly off of Oscar winners is a bit unscientific and unfair but I thought it was worth mentioning that the 5 nominations from 1999 are all, for the most part, better than all 8 of the previous Best Picture winners combined. So, let’s go one-by-one on each movie:

Office Space — possibly the best comedy of the last ten years not associated with Judd Apatow and is the quintessential movie about working. It’s the Caddyshack of comedies about work.

The Matrix — groundbreaking special effects and a sci-fi storyline that makes it this generation’s Star Wars. Not even Keanu Reeves could hinder this movie’s sheer awesomeness and, yes, the sequels to this movie never happened. You hear me? They. Never. Happened.

Election — I’ve already covered this movie before but it bears reminding that this is a really good under-the-radar comedy. Reese Witherspoon is so damn perfect in this movie.

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me — what is there to really say about this? It had a ton of hype before it premiered and it delivered. Too many great lines and scenes to mention here but the Jerry Springer Show scene with Scott and Dr. Evil was pretty priceless.

Big Daddy — I know, I know, everyone’s supposed to hate Adam Sandler movies not named Happy Gilmore or The Waterboy but I think Big Daddy is his best movie, annoying kid and all.

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut — five words: greatest raunchy animated movie ever.

American Pie — yes, the sequels were totally unnecessary and mostly unfunny but the original was significant in every pop culture aspect as something like Goonies, There’s Something About Mary, or Some Like It Hot.

The Blair Witch Project — hands down the greatest marketed movie ever. If you saw this movie when it first came out (when it only played in like 20 theaters across the country) you were genuinely scared and tense throughout the entire movie. And when it ended, you and the entire theater had a collective case of the screaming fantods walking out. People who saw this movie at home or at the local cineplex will never understand how frickin’ scary this movie was before it was announced that it was a hoax.

The Sixth Sense — one of the greatest reveals to end a movie, a modern “Rosebud.”

American Beauty — the eventual winner of Best Picture for 1999. I know this movie is sort of polarizing for some people but I thought everything about it was pitch-perfect. Kevin Spacey is perfect and Annette Benning gives a career performance (the scenes of her prepping the house she is trying to sell is perfect on so many levels).

Boys Don’t Cry — Hillary Swank would win her first Oscar for her role as Brandon Teena, a girl who wants to be a boy. A powerful and gut-wrenching movie. Chloe Sevigny is also outstanding in this movie too.

Fight Club — not only is this movie perfectly casted but for a movie that is so unabashedly male and masculine, it is, in retrospect, kind of amazing that critics didn’t publicly renounce it, considering that boy bands, metrosexuality, and the overall feminization of boys were the soup of the day in 1999. This movie proves that great acting and writing can transcend societal trends. Also, the line “The first rule about Fight Club…” will forever live in the pop culture Pantheon.

Being John Malkovitch — one of the quirkiest movies I have ever seen, yet it still had the brains to have a legitimately good ending. The scene where John Malkovitch goes into his own head might be one of the craziest sequences on film I’ve ever seen.

42 Up — okay, this is probably the one title that probably most of you are completely unfamiliar with. 42 Up is the 6th installment of The Up Series, a BBC documentary that started in 1964 by following 14 seven year-old kids of various income classes with the idea being that the director would then follow up with them every seven years. For a better and more detailed review go here, but I’ll just say that The Up Series should be required viewing as it shows you more about life and death than any documentary or “reality” show possibly can.

The Green Mile — certainly not on the same level of Rewatchability as The Shawshank Redemption is, but Frank Darabont’s follow-up to Shawshank is still really damn good. Career performance by Michael Clarke Duncan and Tom Hanks is surprisingly well cast as the man who oversees the Green Mile. The scene where John Coffey shows Paul who killed the two little girls is haunting and played with perfect creepiness by the actor who plays the murderer (don’t want to reveal anything in case you’ve not seen it yet).

The Cider House Rules — an all-time Top-5 movie for me. At the time, I understood why American Beauty won the Oscar but I think time will render a different verdict as maybe The Cider House Rules should have won it all that night. Great movie, great cast, perfectly directed, great soundtrack, and the performance by Michael Caine is astonishing. If you have not seen this movie yet you must put it near the top of your queue at some point. All of the scenes that are shot in the orphanage are great but the one involving the death of one of the kids is genuinely sad and acted perfectly.

Again, this post is hardly scientific or objective. But until someone can provide me a year that had 16 movies that were released that would make a lot of people’s Favorite Movies lists I think I rest my case.

February 1, 2009 0

Super Bowl Prediction

By MDS in Football, Opinion

Because I’m feeling a little under the weather I’m not going to attempt the detailed 5,500 word breakdown of Super Bowl 43 scheduled to kickoff today, II/I/IX. Instead, I’ll just say that the Steelers are going to win 34-14 and give you three points as to why I think this.

1) Cardinals offensive coordinator Todd Haley is hot head coaching property right now and he will most likely have a head coach position offered to him tomorrow (all reports say the Chiefs are the team). Combine this with the two week layoff in between the NFC Championship game and today and you have got a guy whose head can’t help but drift away thinking of his first head coaching gig. Coordinators on playoff teams who are sought after for new jobs once the season is done is typically bad voodoo and, considering that Haley was a complete unknown before the playoffs started, I wouldn’t be surprised if the pressure of the SB and the pressure of a big future job equals a badly-called game on his part.

2) All 4 members of Pittsburgh’s secondary have been together for 4 years. What usually makes Super Bowl winning teams complete is that their secondary has gelled together over the course of 18 games to the point that they aren’t easily fooled by double moves and, most importantly, the corners know exactly when they will have help over the top by the safeties. In Pittsburgh’s case, their secondary has gelled together over roughly 70 games which, I think, gives them a distinct advantage in handling Arizona’s WRs. Add to this that Arizona hasn’t faced a defense like this all year and I think they will start calling desperation routes (i.e.—bomb-like throws) and the Steelers will have the personnel on the field to combat this.

3) I just can’t shake the feeling that this Cardinals team is like the ’77 Broncos team that came out of nowhere (they finally got over the hump and beat the hated Raiders in the regular season and playoffs) with a veteran QB that everyone thought was washed up (if Warner hadn’t had previous SB success, he and Craig Morton would be pretty similar) and then completely ran out of gas in the Super Bowl and was handled easily by the Cowboys. Granted, Warner isn’t hurt like Morton was and the ’77 Broncos didn’t have the WR depth that the Cardinals do but the Cardinals played in the NFC West and this year the West was deplorable. Yes, I know Arizona wasn’t supposed to win against the Falcons, Panthers, and Eagles but in all 3 cases those teams coaches had stretches of calling really awful games (i.e.-the Falcons decided to abandon their #2 rushing game for some reason; the Panthers forgot to double-cover Fitzgerald, just like teams forgot to double-cover Steve Smith when they almost made their ’05 SB run; the Eagles… the Eagles are coached by Andy Reid and that’s everything you need to know) and I just can’t see the Steelers coaching staff (especially LeBeau) not being prepared for the game.

And, of course, if I’m wrong about this I’ll just delete this post and pretend it never happened.

January 6, 2009 0

The All-Things Leather Egg-Related Column

By MDS in Football, Opinion

Some thoughts on the 2008 NFL and college football season, some suggestions and theories on how best to improve both the NFL and NCAA football seasons going forward, and some predictions on how the game might change in the upcoming decade.

Sugar Bowl Thoughts — As TMQ would be inclined to say, the Football Gods surely chortled as Alabama sought to defeat the underdog and overlooked Utah Utes in the Sugar Bowl. Alabama, a once-proud and dominating football program, decided it was tired of all of the mediocrity that has befallen the school since its 1992 National Championship so they brought in Nick Saban during the offseason two years ago. Which is fine except that Saban turned his back on LSU to take the Miami Dolphins job, then turned his back on the Dolphins once he realized that he was exposed as being a not-yet-ready-for-primetime NFL coach (his record was 15-17). When Saban resigned from the Dolphins he told none of his coaches or players face-to-face; he simply boarded a jet to Tuscaloosa and signed a mega-lucrative deal that not only makes him one of the highest paid coaches in all of the NCAA but also allows him access to very private jets, country clubs, and golf courses.

You may be inclined to opine that this is par for the course, that sports has become so business-driven that Saban is simply one of many looking to get his. Except that if you court someone and drop a mega-lucrative deal on their lap who has a history of slipping out of contracts and moving on elsewhere, you are, at the end of the day, getting someone whose interests are not good and, more importantly, has negative karma in their account. The pundits almost universally agreed that Alabama dispatching Utah in easy fashion was a foregone conclusion… except that it didn’t happen that way and the Utes of Utah played inspired ball and shocked an Alabama squad playing right down the street in the New Orleans Superdome. (It is a 4.5 hour car ride from Tuscaloosa to New Orleans, compared to a 28 hour car ride from Salt Lake City.)

Some Dude always loves to see a college underdog win a big bowl game (the Boise State-Oklahoma Fiesta Bowl from a few years ago always gives me chills when watching the highlights on YouTube) but this year’s Sugar Bowl was doubly satisfying because it involved a Saban-led team, who is a sports media-emblazoned coaching “genius,” looking flawed against kids who were unimpressed with who they were lining up against (from the get-go the Utah kids had a swagger about them that they were unafraid of the feared Crimson Tide from the feared SEC). It is great to see balance played out in life, even if it is on display during a college football game. University of Alabama, expect more of this to come during the Nick Saban Era as the Football Gods will surely continue to exact revenge on this I’ll-follow-the-money coach. Again, following the money is not inherently a bad thing but bad character erases most good intentions.

College football coaching thoughts — I understand why Charles Barkley made the comments he did about how his alma mater Auburn took a pass on hiring Turner Gill, a black coach who has turned around the program at the University of Buffalo, in favor of Gene Chizik, a white coach with an abominable head coaching record at Iowa State. On paper, you could obviously argue that this is a racial thing: SEC school with predominantly white boosters (even if it’s not true, it’s still the image that first comes to mind) turning down a on-the-rise black coach in favor of a white coach who probably wouldn’t have been considered to be a head coach at Pepperdine, let alone a big SEC school. What Charles is missing here is twofold.

First, Chizik, before taking the job at Iowa State, was a defensive coordinator at Auburn. Second, college head coaches don’t just coach and recruit any more.

Auburn, already under an inordinate amount of pressure from the boosters to win in the SEC, most likely selected Chizik because he has experience working with the boosters who will likely call for his head in 3-5 years. College football has become so bloated at the top (it has become commonplace for factory schools to emulate NFL-sized coaching staffs, complete with copious amounts of assistants, consultants, and coordinators) and the booster’s expectations so delusional (honestly, your school is going to be in the thick of a national championship run every year?) that it is no wonder why big-time college football factories are terrified to bring in minority coaches. Factory schools are already waaay to quick to ascribe themselves as ultra-important fiefdoms—the cherry-picking of cupcake non-conference opponents to begin the year, the collusion between all the conferences that house factory schools to cash in on the BCS games, the slanted perspective that naturally attaches itself to all involved by virtue of the fact that football represents so much revenue for factory universities—and to bring in a black (or Mexican, or Asian) coach and give them the keys to this insulated fiefdom probably seems too risky.

Is it right to think like this? Absolutely not, but I think it’s the white elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about: certain groups of white people are afraid that a black coach (or Mexican, or Asian) won’t be able to deal with the boosters and the AD and the university boards.

So, yes, Barkley was right in voicing his anger at Gill being passed over. But the bigger picture (and, thus, more socially aware and better) point would have been to come out and said that Gill should have declined the job even if it was offered to him. Turner Gill should be thankful that he wasn’t offered the job, let some white dude take the fall in a couple of years. I don’t think it’s a case of blatant racism going on in the NCAA football world as to why there are so few black head coaches. If anything, black (or Mexican, or Asian) coaches should do everything they can to avoid head coaching positions at big factory schools. It’s not worth it. Taking the helm of smaller programs or taking a promotion as a coordinator in the NFL makes more sense. Craft a legacy somewhere else before jumping in over your head (and Auburn, or a similar-level university, would certainly have drowned Gill in his first year).

All white coaches—from Bear Bryant to Bill Walsh to Pete Carroll to Bill Parcells—started their legacies in small-time manners. By being pissed off that Gill wasn’t handed the Auburn job (he didn’t offer up any other alternatives other than apparent entitlement), Barkley inadvertently assumed that timing is always right and it’s not. Turner Gill could wind up being the next Tony Dungy; however, he probably has a better chance of accomplishing that by doing his time at Buffalo or being low man on the NFL totem pole like Belichick, Dungy, Fisher, Reid, and Coughlin all were at some point. Taking the Auburn job simply because it was there would have probably done more irreparable damage to Gill’s future than if he just stays put. Barkley may have correctly pointed out the possible racial undertones of the move but he missed the boat entirely the context of the situation as it pertains to Gill. It looked and sounded like Barkley had Gill’s back but he didn’t.

NFL parity thoughts — Once again sportswriters and analysts bemoaned the NFL’s parity and its playoff structure. First, the playoff structure.

Is it unfair that the 11-5 Patriots didn’t make the postseason while the 9-7 Cardinals and 9-7 Chargers hosted a playoff game? The liberal, there-are-no-losers parts of our brain would all say yes. Here’s my question regarding it: who cares? Every year, and this is almost certainly a guarantee, there will be one divsion out of eight that will be very weak and one division out of eight that will be very strong. This year, the NFC and AFC West were awful (the two aforementioned 9-7 teams) and the AFC North, and the NFC and AFC East were very tight (two teams from each of those three divisions made the playoffs) so it stands to reason that there will always be at least one team every year that gets shafted.

This leads people to suggest that a seeded playoff structure that combines best records between both conferences will eliminate these types of problems. And they will. But they will also eliminate the significance of a division title and the weight of division games. And, as the Cardinals are currently proving, sometimes a 9-7 team is still a pretty damn good.

While a seeded tournament sounds great in theory (watching a Bears-Colts playoff game might be more palatable than a Colts-Chargers game) but in practice it would make the NFL start to become the NCAA, which is certainly not fine. If you distill the importance of division titles you are basically undermining the foundation of the NFL, which is that divsion games are most important (for rivalry purposes, obviously) and that the conferences shouldn’t be joined until the Super Bowl (this theoretically allows for the two SB opponents to be blind going into the game—i.e.-odds are high that they didn’t play each other during the regular season).

And, if you still think a seeded tournament is important and vital to the NFL: quick, what team was “shafted” out of the playoffs during the ’04 season? It was only five years ago but even the most knowledgeable fan would probably not remember that the Vikings at 8-8 captured the #6 seed in the NFC while the 9-7 Bills, Ravens, and Jaguars all packed up and went home without a playoff spot.

The seeded tournament talk is no different than arguing about who was left out of the MLB All-Star Game. It’s only important and heated for about four days and then dies its quick and thankful death.

As for the parity argument (to graduate to a “true” sports analyst, you must speak of parity in thinly-veiled contempt) here is how you can fix it: the NCAA factory schools shouldn’t be allowed control over their schedules.

Am I the only one who thinks it is criminal that last week was the first time Florida and Oklahoma ever played each other? The University of Florida has been around since 1853, Oklahoma since 1890—these are not new schools. But factory schools like to pick their schedules and, if they can, schedule more home games than road games, and bring in creampuffs like Western Kentucky and Abilene State to come to their stadium to be humiliated before the home crowd.

To be sure, the SEC, Big 12, and Pac-10 are all very tough conferences and are filled with very talented players but the fact that almost every factory school within said conferences (mostly) plays only big games in their own conference and not outside affects the NFL draft which, in turn, affects who drafts whom and, finally, it affects NFL rosters to the point that teams chase after players that don’t improve and, thus, relegates certain teams into mediocrity which, yep, you guessed it, keeps the “parity” myth alive. For example:

Let’s say the Buffalo Bills are looking to draft Coveted Linebacker from Auburn and Coveted Linebacker played very well in losing efforts to Florida State and Alabama. Furthermore, Coveted Linebacker from Auburn played outstanding in an upset win on the road against Georgia Tech. Sounds good, right? But how does he play in the cold? What would his performance have been if he had to play in back-to-back road weeks when Auburn had to travel to Oregon then play on the road against Florida? This, to me, is the best way to “fix” the BCS debacle that riles up and incenses so many sports-yak pundits.

The idea of the Student-Athlete at football factory schools is so cynical that we will all just collectively agree that the “Student” portion of that term is a fallacy. That said, instead of adding a playoff system (and, thus, adding more games and more cynicism to the aura of big-time college football programs) why not mandate that if you finish the year in the AP/ESPN/coachs’ polls in the Top 30, the following year’s schedule will be significantly harder. This would weed out the pretender programs AND allow the truly gifted athletes to stand out amongst the herd (which, in turn, would theoretically help make the NFL draft more manageable for the Detroits and Clevelands of the league).

Why should Oklahoma and Florida’s non-conference schedule be lax just because they play in what is generally agreed upon by sports pundits to be a tough conference? (OU’s non-conference schedule looked like this in 2008: UT-Chattanooga, Cincinatti, @ Washington, TCU whereas Florida played all three of its non-conf games against Hawaii, Miami, and The Citadel all in Gainesville.) What if Florida had to make the long-distance flight to Hawaii instead of the other way around? Why can’t Oklahoma play at Wisconsin or at Michigan? This, to me, is the biggest crime that the NCAA is guilty of: they never step in and schedule legitimately thrilling (or, in terms of the little schools, beneficial) non-conference matchups. Why do schools like The Citadel, Rhode Island, or Appalachian State have to fly to factory school stadiums and get mauled? Why can’t USC or Oklahoma fly out to Rhode Island? Surely Rhode Island (team name: Friars) would get trampled by either, but the idea that the Trojans or Sooners would be arriving in Providence would be outstanding for the school and the community. And, conversely, why aren’t there more powerhouse non-conference games like Florida-USC, Texas-Miami, Florida State-Cal, Ohio State-Auburn, Michigan-Utah, Oklahoma-Boise State, West Virginia-Texas Tech? What, the casual fans and networks wouldn’t jump at a Texas-Boise State game played on the glorious blue turf in Idaho even if Boise State’s record was average?

The problem is that the factory schools want to preserve their records in the hopes of reaching the BCS so, consequently, they cherry-pick their non-conf games like bullies and pay a small school to travel to their stadium just so that they can beat them up in front of a national TV audience.

If you want to see the BCS bowl games become easier for the computers to pick and you want to see the NFL become even more competitive than it already is, it begins and ends with college football’s non-conference schedule-making being completely overhauled.

NFL parity thought #2 — Another reason for the perceived abundance of parity in the NFL is the very real notion that we are currently living in the era of the Three Year Superstar. The Three Year Superstar Era means that because the NFL is filled with athletes who are so much bigger and faster than their predecessors and, thus, much more susceptible to injury (or being reduced by quicker, faster, stronger rookies who crop up much more consistenly than in any other generation of NFL player), it is almost impossible for most superstars to go beyond three consecutive years of superstar-level play. Players like Chris McAllister, Shaun Alexander, and Chad Johnson who suddenly explode into superstars but then fall apart rather quickly and unexpectedly are going to be the rule and not the exception anymore.

The main reason why Peyton Manning has been a superstar for as long as he has is that he has been blessed by a consistently healthy offensive line and an ownership that has kept the GM, the offensive line coach, and offensive coordinator in place during Manning’s entire career. Even LaDanian Tomlinson has hit a wall due to injuries and the defensive speed of the game garnering him ineffective. It is foolish to think that players like Adrian Peterson and Jason Witten are shoe-in Hall of Famers–odds are they will be rendered obsolete in a couple of years and be forced to retire early and with career stats that will make us all wonder “What if?”

NFL predictions — Some random predictions that I think will come to fruition over the next 10 years:

— The Detroit Lions will win a playoff game in the next couple of years. Realistically, they can only go up after going 0-16 and with new management, an NFC Central that will only get weaker after Peterson inevitably gets hurt down the line, and a pretty stout draft that seems to be brewing in two years (led by Tim Tebow and possibly Nate Davis), the Lions will win the Central, host a playoff game, and go to the NFC Championship game. My guess is 2012, just a hunch.

— In the next five years or so, a team will consciously decide to trade high draft picks and high-quality skill position players for high-quality offensive linemen. Yes, we are currently in the throes of the “Wildcat” formation, the shotgun spread, and trips bunch but someone (my guess would be Bill Polian, regardless if he’s still with the Colts or a new team) will realize that while, yes, it would be nice to have a B-plus level QB or RB, but an A-plus offensive line with one A-minus TE can solve a lot of problems en route to winning a Super Bowl. As more and more college and pro defensive players learn to scheme against 4-WR sets, they are setting themselves up to mowed down by big offensive sets wherein the QB has 6 seconds to throw instead of 3-4. The elephant in the room that few people ever want to admit to is that the ’90′s Cowboys teams were a dynasty because of the offensive line first and Aikman, Smith & Irvin second. Someone will take advantage of the league’s copycat mentality for picking up speed guys and pull the second coming of the Jimmy Johnson heist on a couple of unsuspecting teams.

— The overtime format will change but not to a college-style setup. For some reason, I envisage a scenario wherein the kicking team kicks off 5 yards closer and A) the receiving team cannot take a touchback (they have to run it out) and B) if the kick goes out of the end zone the ball is spotted on the 10 yard-line instead of the 20. The NFL is all about showcasing its players, and allowing both teams to start at the 25 or the 30 yard-line (or wherever) just doesn’t seem to fall in line with that thinking. The NFL is all about the drive, not arbitrarily picking a spot to begin without a kickoff.

January 2, 2009 1

Religion And Human Nature

By MDS in Opinion, Religion, Society

1.
Whenever someone has asked me what my religious views are I tell them that my religious belief lies somewhere in between Agnostic and Atheist. The Agnostic in me wants to believe that this world was created by an all-powerful, loving deity that wants nothing but the best afterlife for the followers who spread the word and do great things. The Atheist in me knows that the afterlife is probably a lie and that when you die you are simply dead. There is no soul that travels upward; rather, our bodies become the last part of a natural cycle in which the ground is enriched and provides for that underground ecology. The Agnostic in me has seen religious art, read religious texts, and heard speeches and interviews by people inspired by a religious upbringing and thinks, “This can’t be all a ruse, right?” The Atheist in me cannot escape the gravity of its counterpoint—”How much of this is nothing more than propaganda?”

I believe that it is human nature to believe that Heaven exists. It also seems reasonable to advance the idea that people’s belief in Heaven and God is a direct projection of how they see life in general. If you believe that Heaven is a place where you can visit deceased loved ones and family members, it is probably fair to assume that you hold family to be very important. If you believe that Heaven is not so much a place but rather an additional mission, it is probably fair to assume that you are more pious than most and that you hold the ideas of your church to be very important. Conversely, if you lived a life wherein one or both of your parents have died while you were young, or were sexually abused, or witnessed one or more loved ones succumb to a terminal illness, your view of what Heaven is would most likely be altered because your life will have taken on a darker or more complex trajectory than most people. In the latter example, you may see all of that pain and death as a tipping point to following a religion or as a tipping point to believing that no God could exist in a world in which so much agony is allowed. Either way, you would be much more inclined to follow an extreme trajectory, regardless of what path is chosen.

I have lived a life in which both of my parents are alive and I have not watched a loved one die a long, drawn out death. I was never abused when I was a child and I have never been addicted to drugs. I have never committed nor witnessed a violent crime. I have never lived in poverty and have never gone a day without eating. One could say I have lived an overall good life so far. The question is: did God play a hand in the unfolding of my life? Will my life ultimately be rendered useless if I question the validity of God until I die? I do not know but half of my mind says no and it does so because of cavemen, rain and sandboxes.

2.
Imagine you are a caveman (or a cavewoman) and you live somewhere in the world that would be comparable to where New Mexico is, or some place in the world wherein it is pretty dry yet you would still have access to animals to feed on and there would be some vegetation to speak of. You and your parents can only communicate in the simplest of terms and you are pretty much driven by the strongest biological force known to man: searching for food. One day, you are alone and are hunting for food and you eventually kill some form of animal.

On the way back home, it starts to rain. Then it starts to pour. Then lightning strikes occur with an intensity and quickness unlike anything you have ever seen in your short life, followed by a series of incredible, thunderous booms that are wholly unknown to you. How could you possibly explain this series of events? Rain. Downpour. Lightning. Thunder.

Today, we are equipped with the knowledge that severe weather (especially storms that bring about heavy rains, lightning and thunder) is caused more times than not because of high pressure systems colliding with low pressure systems and jet streams and barometric pressure and other factors such as proximity to large lakes and oceans. We know this today because we have grown up watching weather reports on the television and read weather reports in the newspaper. While the meteorologists certainly have their work cut out for them (hurricane, tornado, and earthquake prediction is still in a nascent stage), most of us can say with confidence that we can believe at least seventy percent of a daily forecast. Between the Doppler radar and satellite imagery, we as humans have done a pretty good job at conquering weather prediction and weather-related data mining. But what about one hundred years ago? One thousand years ago? Ten thousand years ago?

Every time something brand new affects us or we as humans are introduced to something brand new, countless theories abound about this new thing’s existence and most of these theories revolve around God. The history of mankind is riddled with events, diseases, and inventions that are initially believed to be intertwined with God: the Black Plague (a punishment by God), the concept of space and gravity (used to be referred to as ether, which also means heavens), countless wars (fighting in God’s name), the practice of medicine (“playing God”) as well as most art produced in the last two millenia which usually involved a subject matter of heavy religious tones.

I am not suggesting that this line of thinking was short-sighted or stupid; it actually made perfect sense at a time when no one knew any better. In fact, people are doing the exact same thing with science right now and will continue to do so for many, many generations. Believing that gravity is the dynamic work of an unseen deity and believing that science will one day answer every question about our bodies and be able to conquer all diseases falls into the same category: Things That Will Ultimately Be Dispelled By Future Generations. But it makes sense at the time because how can you know something that you do not know anything about?

Further to this point is the idea of children playing in a sandbox. If you were to put two children of the same age—say three years old—into a large sandbox you might see that the children will play with the sand by themselves and not find any reason to venture over near one another. Then again, the two children may scrap what they are doing and befriend each other. However, if you keep adding more children of varying ages to the sandbox you will almost always see that sides will be taken and lines will be drawn. Rumors will be hatched, sand will be thrown, and the younger kids will most certainly be made to cry. This is not to suggest that all kids are inherently evil but older kids picking on littler kids seems to be ingrained in all of us. Some kids do it out of sheer boredom while others do it out of delight.

The point is this: When adults, like kids, find themselves within large groups of people in which they do not personally know anyone they are more prone to believe in rumor, hyperbole, or even blind loyalty. To be sure, I do not believe that crowds are always a negative—for every one Salem witch trial there are billions of instances wherein people live peacefully—but it is important to be cognizant of the fact that people will rarely spring into passionate protest or name-calling while in isolation.

If you were to picture yourself living during the Dark Ages or during the time of Jesus, you would learn pretty quickly that it was in your best interest to believe in religion because to engage in an argument against it would probably not be to your benefit. People somehow learned that the easiest way to govern and control others was by word-of-mouth religious dogma. Again, I am not saying that all crowds are gullible or that some Golden Compass-like evil spread religion in hopes of destroying Man but it is reasonable to assume that a group of people who desired control were able to get it by shouting doom and convincing others that bad behavior equaled a visit to Purgatory. Just as it is reasonable to assume that a twelve year-old, under no parental supervision, will be mean to a seven year-old.

Getting back to the example of the caveman who first witnesses lightning and thunder. For someone who has no empirical knowledge of what lightning and thunder is or what causes it, what would you deduce to be the cause? The only thing you know for certain is that originated from the sky. Did it happen because of the sky? Is there something beyond the sky from which it came? Is someone or something in the sky doing it? Did it happen as a punishment that was handed down because you had killed an animal? How can you, as a caveman, reconcile what you just saw?

3.
We may not know anything definitive yet about what drives us as humans to constantly search for life’s meaning but it sure seems to, for the most part, stem from a fear of death. If you were to break down all of our actions to its most basic foundation it would most likely resemble something like: “If I do this, will it harm me?” This seems ludicrous to think about now because every continent besides Antarctica is controlled by states and countries who (mostly) provide insurance, police protection, and a high quality of life but, again, think of yourself as a caveman or an eighth century peasant—someone who has no capacity to write and is probably illiterate.

Only until very recently have humans been able to even crack the surface of what really takes up residence beyond our atmosphere. We know that there are a lot of other universes in existence and we know a lot about the other planets and such but we are certainly unsure about a lot of it, no matter how many ultra-expensive satellites we shoot into orbit. To look at it another way, though, would be to summarize it like this: Our current knowledge of everything beyond the skies only represents 1% (maybe even less) of what all of genus Homo knows. What this means is that 99% of genus Homo knew absolutely nothing of what happened beyond the clouds and this lack of knowledge (not because early humans were inherently stupid but because survival trumped any curiosity of things like what causes rain or the concept of light years) provided fertile ground for such dogma that God created everything and that beyond the clouds was Heaven. Again, I am not saying that believing in this made the human race stupid; I am merely trying to point out building blocks that our collective minds adhered to. It would be no different than if people one hundred generations into the future discovered that drilling into the center of the Earth was feasible and, in hindsight, were shocked that our current generation had not figured it out yet. Drilling into the center of the Earth is of no importance to us right now compared to advances in space, medicine, flight, and oil reduction.

But I digress. What I am ultimately trying to say is that without any empirical knowledge of anything beyond how to hunt, cook, and build simple things, the common people who lived centuries ago were basically at the will of the upper class, the politicians, and the clergy (the three predominant groups who were literate and could write). Therefore, it was quite easy to be wrangled into believing certain religious dogmas when all three classes wanted the same message spread.

Everything has two sides and religion and human nature are not immune from dual scrutiny.

4.
If you live your life observing its results with scales that use as its measurements grief, agony, destruction, and pity you will never have a healthy worldview. There will always be parts of the world that are invaded by hunger, armies, and slavery and to choose to magnify those actions of the invaders (or the grief of the victims) into something that tries to summarize all of human nature’s struggles is grossly unfair. For one thing, it is a form of propaganda that is no different from when absolute power is held over a nation—you are told what is right in the latter whereas in the former you are trying to convince others that they are wrong for not caring like you do. Additionally, to oversimplify life as a constant battle between good and evil, Little Guy and Big Business, or savages and intellects is to be blind to the beauty that life offers us on a daily basis. To be sure, there are legitimately heinous things that occur on a daily basis—women are raped, men murder other men, groups of men consciously decide to kill others without remorse, wars are waged, people are killed because of political or religious beliefs—but there are always more counteractions to these. Women give birth to children, men and women fall in love and take care of each other, small groups of men and women vow to protect other larger groups of men and women, killers are brought to justice, a lab makes progress towards creating vaccines, the global proliferation of democratic governments, and people being rescued from death are just some of the myriad examples of why life is beautiful and worth living.

For the last few centuries, intellectuals, writers, and philosophers have made a comfortable living extolling the idea that life is random and hopeless. Recently, they have taken the extra step in promoting the idea that God and religion are utterly useless and even try to go to painstaking steps to disprove things that are written in the Bible, which leads me to my last point about human nature: Sometimes, we simply like to go against the majority if for no other reason than we simply can.

5.
Life is about balance and in a Utopian society religion would be about balance as well, using a scale that measures in ethics, morality, tolerance, and philosophy that were allowed to be freely dispersed in an unrestricted manner instead of hubris, arrogance, dogma, and division. Does religion have a checkered past with wars and controlling people? You bet your ass it does. Do some organized religions swindle their followers into believing in things that any ounce of common logic could disprove in ten minutes? Sure.

But that is not really the point.

The point is that it is in our human nature to believe in and propagate these thoughts, to believe in the Divine, to believe in miracles… and it almost always comes back to children. I believe, at some point, it became in genus Homo‘s best interest of adaptation to teach our children that Heaven exists; that if you follow the Word of God you will be rewarded and watched over; that if you make sacrifice a virtue it will harden your character; that you should put others before you. The rational egotist in me sees this as an impractical option (mostly, that sacrifice should be held as a high virtue—obviously, I have no problem with sharing or teaching character and morals) but, like it or not, societies progress when children have something to look forward to and can live a full life.

One of the quandaries of being an adult that has children is that you know how messed up the world is, yet you cannot let your child be afraid of the world. By the time your kid has arrived in this world you have already met plenty of loathesome people; read about or seen footage regarding rape and murder; had to deal with the death of someone close; started to think about your own parents’ inevitable death; been screwed over by people you thought you could trust. How do you reconcile the human nature that resides in all of us to imbibe in the pessimism of the world when you have a child? A lot of it, not surprisingly, revolves around religious metaphors and allegories. The ideas behind an angel on one shoulder and the Devil on the other and eating the forbidden fruit are much easier to explain to a child when it comes time to talk about doing the right thing than, say, trying to summarize the writings of Immanuel Kant or trying to put a real-world spin on things. (“Now do you see why it’s wrong to steal toys from the other kids? Not only is it impulsive and vain—I mean, really, are you that starved for attention?—but it’s wrong too. If you keep this up you’ll be a regular drug dealer or something. Did you know that 73% of kids who start stealing by the age of 16 spend at least six months in a juvenile detention facility? Do you want to be one of those 73% kids?” At which point your four year-old vacantly nods no.)

And it is because children are at the heart of religion (remember, one of the best ideas that the Catholic Church came up with to try and convert Jewish families was to severely delimit how much studying time a Catholic child was required to perform versus how much a Jewish child was required to perform) that no matter how many copies of the His Dark Materials series, Atlas Shrugged, or today’s Atheistic books are sold, religion should be seen for what it really is: something that guides people. Even if your age is above fifteen on that indefinite, always-expanding linear arrow that is Life you will always long for your youth in some capacity, whether it be to redo high school if given the chance or to feel as safe as you thought you were when you were growing up.

This is what I think most mainstream Atheistic writers and commentators miss when building a case against religion, that it is in our human nature to believe that there is always something—literally, metaphorically, and/or spiritually—above us. Each camp has their bull-headed zealots (the Bible-disproving, everything-God-related-is-hurtful, orthodox Atheists as well as the if-you-don’t-follow-God’s-message-you-will-burn, orthodox Followers) and they are both equally ignorant. Even if they have followers who subscribe to them they will most likely peter out as they get older. (Well, unless, of course, they can continue to get young people hooked on their message–again, see why kids are vital to this cycle?)

6.
At the end of the day, how your religious views are shaped runs parallel with your upbringing. This is probably why Religion deteriorates into such a heated mess when strangers try to discuss their beliefs. The homophobic Christian will continue to be forced into the fray as more and more people grow up around homosexual men and women, which is why both parties are so vocal. Both groups know that a fundamental change is coming, except one does not want to give in any time soon. It is easy to look at this example (to use just one example out of a veritable plethora) from a distance and say, “The anti-gay religious establishment is a bunch of nutjobs. Why do they care if men want to marry men? It’s not any of their business.” But, fundamentally, it is their business.

If you grew up in a household that followed the Bible strictly (however flawed that line of logic may be to you) it would seem perfectly rational to interpret parts of it to mean that homosexuality is not only morally reprehensible, but also something worth fighting against.

Religion, like politics, exposes the most exploitable aspect of human nature: the need to group and compartmentalize people socially, intellectually, and demographically.

—> Common stereotypes associated with our own public and private compartmentalizations: If you are against gay marriage you are a hard core right-winger, most likely a Roman Catholic or Southern Baptist; if you are for gay marriage you are helpless, hopeless, and God-less; Scientology is not a real religion, unless you are a celebrity; the Islamic religion breeds terrorists; all Pagans believe(d) in human and/or animal sacrifice; the Jews killed Jesus; the Jews control everything; the Vatican controls everything; Christian mega-churches are a sign of the coming apocalypse and the people who go to them are mindless, mouth-breathing hicks. <---

This, more than anything, is why I am somewhere in between Agnostic and Atheist: it is human nature to want to control others, but it is also human nature to believe in the best of people. Because it plays hard on sacrifice, death, brotherhood amongst strangers, Spreading The Word---things that, by the way, are socially uncool nowadays to just pick up and preach about---religion will always be misunderstood and molded into things and associated with things that it is not, and celebrated and exaggerated for credit it may not deserve. Or, to put it another way: religion and spirituality means more when you find it and not when it finds you. A lot of people cannot wrap their heads around that. I simply have not found it and I suppose you would be both wrong and right for judging me for not having found it yet. (Although, truth be told, the ending of Anna Karenina made a considerable dent in the “Atheist” side of my mind.) Human nature will always and forever be entangled in contradictions. The key is trying to sort them out on our own and without pressure from external forces (and by external forces I mean outside of our families and trusted friends). Because religion acts as a pretty heavy-handed external force, not unlike a large group of kids becoming unruly in a sandbox, it should surprise no one that it sometimes feeds into our worst fears and actions.